Delivering heart-breaking news with compassion
By Karen Best
Halifax Chronicle
October 18, 2008

Survivors of a horrific car accident or a devastating fire want to know how their loved ones made it through such awful situations. Sometimes they don't and the news is usually delivered by a police officer, firefighter or paramedic on the scene.

As one can imagine, this is a weighty responsibility and how the message is delivered can cause further heartbreak.

But Lloyd Grahame can help.

The retired Windsor police staff sergeant worked with Mothers Against Drunk Driving eight years ago to create death notification training. It was born out of grief. Many victims did not receive compassionate notification, he told The Chronicle.

Based on 30 years of experience in the police force, Grahame was one of 12 police officers who contributed to training seminar content. Since 2003, he has been on the road delivering the message to responders across Ontario and this year as far as the Yukon, British Columbia and Newfoundland. He also provides training for Canadian Forces commanding officers and chaplains. So far he has spoken before 13,500 people.

On Oct. 21, he will make a presentation to local OPP officers, Haldimand County firefighters and paramedics, doctors and nurses, funeral directors and clergy, social workers and child care workers and members of Victim Services of Haldimand-Norfolk-New Credit and any other responders, support agencies or professionals who have the responsibility to break tragic news to survivors.

The session will be presented by the Dunnville community policing committee in the Royal Canadian Legion Branch 142 hall. By sharing information, people gain a sense of confidence in responders, noted Grahame.

While doctors receive medical school training on how to talk about difficult situations with patients and family members, they do not receive in-depth education on death notification, he said.

At his sessions, audience members learn how to prepare themselves, what they need to know and how to convey the news.

Through his seminars, responders are given the confidence to be compassionately honest and to let people know it is all right to ask questions about their deceased loved one. The tendency of notification providers is to tell the loved one they don't need to see their relative who is disfigured by serious injuries, he added.

"But that deprives them of something important for their grieving process," he said.
By providing non-graphic information about serious injuries, a person can make an informed decision to look or not look. "Once seen that cannot be unseen," said Grahame.